Poke the wound

I'm not sure if I've made the right decision.
I'm not sure if I will be able to make it no matter how hard I try.

It just seems like I'll simply add burdens and pressures-
so much that it's hurting you and it starts to hurt me as well.
I'm not a smart girl and I just don't know what to do to achieve
that "balance" so that it won't annoyed you.

I am so sorry and you tell me not to give up.
I'm not sure if everything will be alright.

I hate myself to be so weak and I always tell myself:
STOP CRYING LIKE A BABY.
Crying, escaping, ignoring doesn't solve anything.
But what i'm talking about here doesn't really have to do with solution.
I think all that i can do now is to pray,
I will never know what future will be like for me,
but God always know.

If I still end up as an OL and made them cry and heartache,
I will starve myself for one month if i won't die with the help of water.
Yes, it's starting to sound like a joke but it's not.
It is a foolish, childish and stupid thought.
It doesn't sound like a good punishment and I think if
I continue to think this way as if I'll be nothing in future,
their hearts will be aching really really badly.

I'm going to sleep now.
I thought that it's a good solution when you
are depressed and tired at the same time.
You don't have to think alot and you can just GO AND SLEEP.